Advice for young people

A healthy relationship will make you feel safe, secure and happy. Healthy relationships give you a great support network of people you can talk to, trust, rely on and have fun with, whilst also improving your emotional wellbeing.

The table below gives some examples of behaviours in a healthy, unhealthy and a toxic/ controlling relationship. There is a difference between an unhealthy and a toxic controlling relationship. In an unhealthy relationship you may have a disagreement or a breakdown in communication, but you can recognise when the behaviour is not ok. You can apologise for your actions and make changes so that it doesn’t happen again. If a person apologises for their behaviour but continues to repeat this over and over again the line between unhealthy and toxic / controlling has been crossed.

The Leeway Children and Young Persons Outreach team can provide up to six 1-1 support sessions with a specialist outreach worker. We will look at your current support network and safety plan to give you techniques and strategies if you are feeling worried or unsafe. We will look at your thoughts and feelings and how they are affecting you in your daily life. We will look at conflict and ways to disagree or voice your needs in a healthy way. We will also look at your strengths and find ways to help you feel more confident in relationships and in your life.

Supporting friends in unhealthy relationships can be difficult. Many people struggle to see that they are in an unhealthy relationship when they are in one. It is important to share with them that you don’t agree with the way their partner is treating them, but it is also important not to try to tell them what to do or to leave their partner. Remember that abusers often try to isolate their partners from friends and family, so it is important to remind them that you are there for them and check in with them often. You may want to set up a code word/phrase with them, so you know they are not okay, without alerting their partner. Make sure you don’t blame them. Just listen and support them. Signpost them to support services such as Leeway for advice. You can call Leeway for advice or more information on how to help your friend.

Having your location publicly available may put you in danger. Some people share their location with loved ones for safety reasons, this is okay. It may not be okay if someone asks to access your location, and then constantly checks it and questions you about where you are going and what you are doing. It is also important to ensure your ex-partner cannot see your location, nor can any of his friends or family, to keep you safe. This is especially important if you were in an unhealthy relationship.

Gaslighting is manipulating someone so that they question their own perception of reality. People often feel that they are ‘going crazy’. It often includes phrases such as ‘I never said that’, ‘you’re always making things up’, ‘you’re confusing me’ and ‘you don’t really feel that way’. If you feel that there may be gaslighting in your relationship, it is important to seek support.

Love bombing is where someone is giving too much affection too soon. Some examples:

• You receive lots of over-the-top gifts
• They’re all about future planning
• They force commitments too early
• They say ‘I love you’ early on and often, including other phrases such as ‘you’re my soulmate’
• Wanting to be in constant contact, and getting annoyed if you don’t reply quickly
• Excessive flattery

People often have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, that it is too much. It is important to trust this instinct. However, it can also feel very lovely and flattering. It can sometimes be difficult to spot so it is important to know the signs.